It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
