We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
