You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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