I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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