I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
