I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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