What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
