I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
