Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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