Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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