Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
