I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
