In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
