She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
