i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
