The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
