margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
