When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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