I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
