It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
