Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
