I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
