I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
