Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
