I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
