I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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