I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
