She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
