Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
