yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
