i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
