It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
