Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Too much gin, very little bucket
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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