It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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