My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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