You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
