You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize