the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
