he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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