i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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