Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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