and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
