Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
