nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize