I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
