someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
