I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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