You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
