I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
