Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
i think i just lost a toe
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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