omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
