it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
