did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
