Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
