Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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