the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
