life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Well I just put wine in my tea
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
