The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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