Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
