I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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