if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
