Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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