can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
