btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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